STORY TIME!

The House on the Borderland: by William Hope Hodgson

A MUST READ for any of you people that like the dark and scary stuff. PERFECT for this time of year! This book is just plain awesome (the shit, fucking rocks, the bomb, BAD-ASS, and whatever else I have'nt said, etc.)

OH YEAH!

Mmmmm... FORBIDDEN DONUT!

I am a FAT ASS. It is disgusting. I need to get my bike fixed, I think I will do that this Saturday. I can get some riding in after work, which would be around 3 a.m.ish. That would be perfect because there will be no traffic to worry about, except for the weirdos. I think I just called myself a weirdo. I guess it takes one to know one! Even if it IS yourself!

Could you people please give me some tatoo ideas and/or advice!? HELLO? (echo).. ANYONE?? (echo) (crickets chirping AGAIN!)



*BY the way Jaye, I AM STILL PISSED AT ARIZONA FOR BEATING MY TEAM IN THE 2001 WORLD SERIES GAME 7, in the bottom of the 9th effing inning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



But we ended up getting your pitcher, HA HA!

**Truth be told, I enjoy being a weirdo! OK, I am freaking tired, we worked 10.7 tonight, or is it last night? Whatever.

What would Brian Boitano do?

I am freakin’ sick. I am freakin’ tired. I got home a little while ago at around ohhhhh….. 4:30 (effing a.m.). Just got off of an 11.5 hour night (our work hours are broken down into tenths), and last week we worked 62 (point whatever) hours. GGGRRRR…(SIGH). Whatever. This shit sucks, I wouldn’t mind, (even though it IS bad to say), the market going down so we can get a breather. I mean LORD, we have been working our asses off the past I can’t even remember how many months. Saturday we worked, and for some unknown reason, at home AND at work I had some object up my ass, and some interesting things happened that day. (And just to clarify, I think it was a wild hair up there). Wait a minute, I am a poet and don’t know it. (Man, I haven’t heard that in years!)



A-N-Y-W-A- YS…. I am too tired to talk about that at the moment, I mean I am freaking EXHAUSTED. On Sunday, nothing was done, because for (1) I was too tired and lazy and (2) there was no time to do it in. You get one day off, and after coming home 12:30 a.m. Sunday morning, and you tend to be a little, uuuummm WORN THE FUCK OUT! (Especially since we go in an hour earlier on Saturday’s and lose an hour of sleep!!) Man I could use some time off. BUT WAIT! I have vacation days! I lied, no I don’t. I am out of vacation days. SHIT! I KNOW WHAT SOME OF YOU MIGHT SAY: “Well, since you know how bad it SUCKS being laid off, and how much money you DO NOT have when you are laid off, why are you bitching? Shouldn’t you be happy? Take it while you can! Enjoy the fruits of your labor! Pay that high tax rate! Get a nice refund next year! Quit your whining!” Or something like that. Well, here is what I would like you to do right NOW. Get a pen and paper. Now first write down the following letters. ~EMETIB~ Now here is the next thing I would like you to do. Take those aforementioned letters, and then write them in reverse. And then I would like you to reread that. That is what I am thinking at this moment, but I might change a word, maybe something like…. uuuuummmm.... nevermind. If you don’t get it, climb the highest building you can find, and then JUMP. Preferably HEAD FIRST.



We got the kid’s Halloween costumes a few days ago. Angi ordered them from some magazine, and then told me about it. I was pissed until I saw what she ordered. I was pissed because I think that is the easy way out. Costumes should be bought at a store, IN PERSON, not in a magazine. When I was growing up, we weren’t POOR, we were PO. We couldn’t even afford the last 2 letters! (THANK YOU Chris Rock, YOU effffing ROCK!) One year we couldn’t afford to buy costumes, so my mom used her creative prowess to make me a costume which was awesome. Okay, I lied again, it was a little uuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmm……… embarrassing. She took an old sheet we had, and cut two holes in it. So just like that, I was Charlie Freaking Brown. All I needed was someone to put a rock into my bag, and I would have been DEAD ON! Actually, that year I got no candy. (SUCK!) I went on a church group outing/stayover with a friend. At least, I was supposed to go. His mom took us to the place, where we were supposed to get on the church bus, to go Holloweening. I started to get on the bus after my friend did, and pretty much got laughed off the bus (thanks for the backup, pal!) So, I got off the bus, went back to his mom and her car, and she drove me home. By the time I got home, it was late in the evening, (after dark), Trick Or Treat was over, and I did not get “JACK......... SQUAT”! (THANK YOU Chris Farley, you were the fucking BEST!!!!) Mom and dad were on the front porch of the trailer, just sitting there and talking, and I started to walk up to them from my friend’s house. I heard them say, “I think that’s Matt, what is he doing back?”. And I just … well… you can guesstimate it.


A-N-Y-W-A-Y-S…. AS I WAS SAYING…… I was surprised she would order something like that, but it looked adorable. So here we go…..




HERE IS MY LITTLE NERDLINGERS!

I really like this time of year. It’s kind of romantic (shut up). With the temp. perfectly 60ish, and leaves awesome looking, and it’s not monsooning, or freakin snowing like a blizzard, and the sun is not baking everything like a dessert, it’s just a nice time of the year. I am really looking forward to Halloween! I have some good (and some bad) memories of everything, but Halloween was generally a LOT of fun! Hell, it still is. For the past 6 (or something) years, I have been watching certain movies and taped shows on Halloween night, or if I work on that day, (which I almost always do) after work, whatever time that ends up being. Here is a little sample of things I HAVE TO watch during Hallowween time (or around there), with all the lights out, and in the middle of the night:

-SCREAM (dvd)
-SCARY MOVIE (dvd)
-I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (tape)
-The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown (tape)
-SOUTH PARK THE MOVIE (dvd)
-South Park Halloween Episodes (on tape)


And that is all I can think of right now. Angi refuses to participate, because she gets scared really easy, and then has nightmares. So that sucks. It’s not as much fun when your by yourself. And that can be said for A LOT of things!


Even though cable Internet totally rocks, I DO miss cable TV. I ESPECIALLY miss South Park, Battlebots, and mainly just about everything on Comedy Central. I mean, watching robots beat the shit out of each other is just plain freaking fun!




My most favorite team (which shall NOT be called by name, for fear of jinxing them), are in a dead freaking heat with the sucky ass, crap ass Bosux. We just got a ½ game up on them again, after being tied for the past week. (GULP) This weekend will be NERVE-RACKING. The unmentionable team will be ending the season at Boston, and each game will be a ballbuster. Every win and loss now means whether October (and November) will be spent watching my favorite team make it to the World Series, or be spent with my face in my hands thinking “there’s always next year, when we will BEAT YOUR ASS.” Whether they make it or not, I will still be watching. I love baseball. The best sport in the world, with all the history, BET YOUR ASS I will be watching!!!!

I need to get a tattoo. I have wanted one for quite a few years now, but could never do it. I would like to get one that wraps around my arm. What kind of design? Where at? Notice that I did not say want, I said NEED. What would Brian Boitano do?



(If you are a GEN Xer, (born late 70’s, early 80’s), and does not get where that came from, Here is what I would like you to do. Take a vacation to the Grand Canyon. Go to the tippy-topiest part you can find. I mean way high. (not that kind of high).

And then JUMP. Preferably HEAD FIRST.

THE EMPIRE RISES AGAIN

OH HELL YEAH!!!
BACK IN FIRST!!!!
SUCK ON IT BOSTON!!!
RED SUCKS SUCK YANKEE WOOD!!!

"That's when manager Joe Torre heard the crowd roar.
The scoreboard flashed that Tampa Bay had taken an eighth-inning lead against Boston. For only the third night this year, the Yankees went to bed with sole possession of the AL East lead. "


We are back and whoopin' some ass! With 11 games left in the season, The New York EFFING YANKEES take first place back, and lead Boston by 1/2 game.

ALLL YEAH FUCKIN AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

So yes, I am pretty damn happy! YIPPEE YIYE- A COWPATTIE!!

To celebrate, here are some funny ha-ha's that a friend sent me:

Number 5: A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number 4: A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Greek men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Papadopoulos, nice to meet you."

Number 3: One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number 2: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My! God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

Number 1: A Couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

SUCK ON THIS PECKER, BABY...

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
I found this little tidbit today......

washingtonpost.com

Recruits Sought for Porn Squad
By Barton GellmanWashington Post Staff WriterTuesday, September 20, 2005

The FBI is joining the Bush administration's War on Porn. And it's looking for a few good agents.

Early last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for a new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting was a July 29 Electronic Communication from FBI headquarters to all 56 field offices, describing the initiative as "one of the top priorities" of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales and, by extension, of "the Director." That would be FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III.

Mischievous commentary began propagating around the water coolers at 601 Fourth St. NW and its satellites, where the FBI's second-largest field office concentrates on national security, high-technology crimes and public corruption.

The new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography -- not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.

"I guess this means we've won the war on terror," said one exasperated FBI agent, speaking on the condition of anonymity because poking fun at headquarters is not regarded as career-enhancing. "We must not need any more resources for espionage."

Among friends and trusted colleagues, an experienced national security analyst said, "it's a running joke for us."

A few of the printable samples:
"Things I Don't Want On My Resume, Volume Four."
"I already gave at home."
"Honestly, most of the guys would have to recuse themselves."

Federal obscenity prosecutions, which have been out of style since Attorney General Edwin Meese III in the Reagan administration made pornography a signature issue in the 1980s, do "encounter many legal issues, including First Amendment claims," the FBI headquarters memo noted.

Applicants for the porn squad should therefore have a stomach for the kind of material that tends to be most offensive to local juries. Community standards -- along with a prurient purpose and absence of artistic merit -- define criminal obscenity under current Supreme Court doctrine.

"Based on a review of past successful cases in a variety of jurisdictions," the memo said, the best odds of conviction come with pornography that "includes bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior." No word on the universe of other kinks that helps make porn a multibillion-dollar industry.

Popular acceptance of hard-core pornography has come a long way, with some of its stars becoming mainstream celebrities and their products -- once confined to seedy shops and theaters -- being "purveyed" by upscale hotels and most home cable and satellite television systems. Explicit sexual entertainment is a profit center for companies including General Motors Corp. and Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. (the two major owners of DirecTV), Time Warner Inc. and the Sheraton, Hilton, Marriott and Hyatt hotel chains.

But Gonzales endorses the rationale of predecessor Meese: that adult pornography is a threat to families and children. Christian conservatives, long skeptical of Gonzales, greeted the pornography initiative with what the Family Research Council called "a growing sense of confidence in our new attorney general."

Congress began funding the obscenity initiative in fiscal 2005 and specified that the FBI must devote 10 agents to adult pornography. The bureau decided to create a dedicated squad only in the Washington Field Office. "All other field offices may investigate obscenity cases pursuant to this initiative if resources are available," the directive from headquarters said. "Field offices should not, however, divert resources from higher priority matters, such as public corruption."

Public corruption, officially, is fourth on the FBI's priority list, after protecting the United States from terrorist attack, foreign espionage and cyber-based attacks. Just below those priorities are civil rights, organized crime, white-collar crime and "significant violent crime." The guidance from headquarters does not mention where pornography fits in.

"The Department of Justice and the Federal Bureau of Investigation's top priority remains fighting the war on terrorism," said Justice Department press secretary Brian Roehrkasse. "However, it is not our sole priority. In fact, Congress has directed the department to focus on other priorities, such as obscenity."

At the FBI's field office, spokeswoman Debra Weierman expressed disappointment that some of her colleagues find grist for humor in the new campaign. "The adult obscenity squad . . . stems from an attorney general mandate, funded by Congress," she said. "The personnel assigned to this initiative take the responsibility of this assignment very seriously and are dedicated to the success of this program."

© 2005 The Washington Post Company





NO NO NO NO! NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG!

I am all for taking away what people do in the privacy of their own homes, NOT BOTHERING ANYBODY ELSE. If somebody wants to beat off to porno, well, that is just bullshit! Furthermore, if a guy want to get it on with a donkey, or a woman wants to get it on with a horse, or if a guy likes his ass smacked while being tied up, why should I give a shit?? Of course, I am sure that there are people out there that think they should do what the government says to, IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOMES WITHOUT BOTHERING ANYBODY. Oh but wait a minute, isn't there that whole:
"WAR ON TERROR" (thingy),
"HURRICANE RESPONSE" (TOTAL FUCKUP),
"WAR IN IRAQ" (clusterfuck),
"WAR IN AFGHANISTAN" (Osama Bin Who again?),
"NUCLEAR DISARMAMENT"
(N. Korea, Iran, but didn't Iraq have some, uuumm nevermind),
"METH PROBLEM"
(a drug addict is probably more dangerous than a masturbator),
"CYBER WAR" (hackers getting into military databases),
"PEDOPHILES" (do I need to say anything here?),


******do I really need to go on????????????????

Priorities people, it's all about priorities. Don't you think the FBI has better things to do than bust people whacking off, or rubbing one out , at home to weird shit??

Dickhead,fuckface,cocksmoking,motherfucking,assholes!

As JOHN STOSSEL

says: "GIVE ME A BREAK!"

Somebody Call the Cops!!

Hello everyone (yawn) (crickets chirping). I had a pretty good weekend. At the beginning of the weekend, I had a list in my mind of what I need to do, and here is a synopsis:
* Spend more time with my kiddos.
* Spend more time with Angi.
* Clean up the computer area.
* Change the Jeep’s oil.
* Tighten Jeep’s lugnuts.
* Sweep out vehicles.
* Sweep house.
* Burn library CD’s on computer.
(or something like that)

HERE is what I ACTUALLY got done:
* Spend more time with my kiddos.
* Spend more time with Angi.
* Change the Jeep’s oil.
* Tighten Jeep’s lugnuts.

And that’s about it.

My wife and me are quite boring actually. Our Saturday nights (when I am not working) consists of playing with our beedee’s (Thing 1 and Thing 2), watching our t.v. shows (Just Shoot Me, That 70’s Show, Seinfeld, Cops, AMW, CSI, Law and Order, SNL, The Practice, and other stuff I can’t think of right now), and we go out to eat sometimes (once or twice a week, only on the weekends). We did not go out to eat this weekend, I did not go ANYWHERE. Angi went to the P.O. BOX on Saturday, and to Kroger’s for some groceries.

DO WE KNOW HOW TO PARTY OR WHAT???!!!


Watch T.V. , Check the Internet. Play with kiddos. Sleep in between. I work for G.M., She works at home with kiddos. This is our life. Well, at least I get paid for my work!! I always tell her, “Your paycheck for your work is given in love, and the self-satisfaction of being a good and loving parent”.

And then, she pinches the shit out of me.

"YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD"

We were fighting toe to toe, as usual. I was getting livid. You were getting livid. I left for work, and said “see ya”. You said “yeah”. After being at work for 10 hours, I had a whole LOT of time to think. My job is physically demanding, but excruciatingly BORING. Sooo after thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking, I came to a realization. I first was PISSED OFF for the first 6 or 7 hours, and was rethinking our relationship, which I do waaaaaaaaaaay too much. I need to stop doing that. As my lunch box became less and less full as the night went on, I was continually thinking about the person who packs that lunchbox. Packs it 5 (sometimes 6) days a week, month in, month out, year in, year out. It consists of: 3 Diet Mt. Dews, 2 Diet Pepsi (occasionally replaced with 2 Diet Mist Free, or 2 Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper), a small bag of chips, 2 lunchmeat sammiches, some fruit snackie thingies, and some other snackie things, (animal crackers, nutty bars, shit like that). I believe you are right. Although not you are not 100% right (this time), I am not grateful enough. I do take you for granted. I should tell you thank you more often. Or at least “I appreciate that”.


I appreciate the fact that you wake me for work EVRY DAY, so I don’t have to listen to the “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, “BEEEEP”, of that mother fucking alarm clock. I appreciate the fact that you have packed my lunch box day in and day out for the last 6 years. I appreciate that you are a LOVING mother, a CARING mother, a PROTECTIVE mother, a NURTURING MOTHER. I appreciate the fact that you like being a STAY AT HOME wife, or as you called it “suzie homemaker”. I appreciate it when you cook dinners on the weekends, even though you HATE cooking. I appreciate the fact that you take care of 95% of the house work, the dishes, laundry, sweeping, the “GREAT” toy pick up. I appreciate the fact that I only worry about the lawn, the trash, my work clothes, the kitty litter, the kitty food, and groceries. I appreciate the fact that you pick up the slack I leave when I forget to take care of my work clothes. I appreciate the fact that sometimes I come home from work, and you write “I love you” (in our special code words) on the dry erase board. I appreciate the fact that when you order pizza and things when I am at work, you usually get me something also. I appreciate the fact that we occasionally snuggle, even though you hate it. I appreciate the fact that you stayed married to me after the “November 2003” thingy. I appreciate the fact that you CARE about what I think or say. I appreciate the fact that you enjoy “CSI”, “LAW AND ORDER”, “COPS”, “AMW”, “THAT 70’s SHOW”, with me, and suffer and sit with me when I watch “SIENFELD”, “JUST SHOOT ME”, and other shows that you don’t like, but I love. I appreciate the fact that you put up with my DEREK JETER addiction. I appreciate the fact that you love me, and married me, IN SPITE OF WHO I AM. I appreciate the fact that you make me smile and laugh. I appreciate the fact that you still love me.

MY THEME SONG

"Armatage Shanks"
GREEN DAY
Album: Insomniac
Written by Billie Joe Armstrong


Stranded...lost inside myself
My own worst friend
My own closest enemy
I'm Branded...maladjusted
Never trusted anyone
Let alone myself


I must insist
On being a pessimist
I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind


Elected the rejected
I perfected the science of the idiot
No meaning...no healing
Self loathing freak and introverted deviate


I must insist
On being a pessimist
I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind


Stranded...lost inside myself
My own worst friend
My own closest enemy
Elected the rejected
I perfected the science of the idiot


I must insist
On being a pessimist
I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind
I'm gettin' pisst
I'm a worthless pessimist
I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind