WANTED: Magical Fairy God Parents
Methinks my betrothed and I have a bit of a quandary. Whilst my elders were blessing me, my betrothed, and our little ones, with their joyous visitation a few moons ago, we have seemed to have arrived at a bit of a conclusion.
My parents are out. They are no longer our children’s GODparents, the ones to take over “parenting” our children in the event of our untimely demise. Why you ask? Well, to put it quite bluntly, my dad is a dick. A big one. An asshole of such proportion, that, if he were to have any say in raising my (our) children, well, I would have to slit my wrists. I guess that would be rather redundant though, since my body would be dead, cold, and decomposing. But, you get my point I suppose. If you don’t, well, start reading some past posts, and you will get it eventually, and if you don’t, well that’s your problem, cause I don’t feel like getting into it at the moment.
Here is our situation. We now have to find Godparents for our children. What if we die, and then who is going to raise our kids? That is the QUESTION. My parents are out. Her parents are pretty much out. They have no interest in having little ones again. They have had two children, Angi (29) and Cory (30-something). They currently like to travel to Mexico 3-6 times a year. Her dad is el presidente of a company, and her mom stays at home. So they don’t want to raise kids again, who could blame then for wanting to enjoy life finally??? So they are out. I do have an extensive family. Angi’s other relatives are waaaaaaay out. (They got lots of issues, JUST LIKE my relatives!!). So her relatives are out. My relatives are out with a couple of POSSIBLE exceptions. My Aunt Glenda (mom’s sister). She is the “goodie two shoes” of the family. Her family goes to church twice on Sunday, and on Wednesday nights. When their daughter was little, they had nightly “bible study” for an hour or so. They are SUPER nice, and she (Glenda) is so nice she can be rather uuummm…… knieve (unsuspecting to a fault). The problem is two-fold, however.
FOR ONE: Her husband is a dick / asshole / control freak, JUST LIKE MY DAD.
FOR TWO: Every one else in my family (in OHIO) already has them as their children’s godparents. So their plate is rather full, if something else would happen to someone else in the family, and their kids need taken care of also.
SSSSSoooooo they are pretty much out. Then, there are my grandparents (my mom’s mom and dad). They are approaching (or past, I really don’t know) their seventies. My Granny smokes like a freight train, however. She does so much that, the ceilings of her house are yellowy from all the smoking, and your clothes, skin, and the stuff you bring in, will reek of smoke for hours, or days. So they are pretty much out. I DO have however, family in Kentucky, which is from my dad’s side. But they are pretty much out, they have no desire whatsoever to raise anymore kids either. I also have extended family in Arizona also. To say they have a full plate, would be a DRAMATIC understatement. SO, WHAT TO DO????????
I got to go very soon. I have a dentist appointment at 9:30 am this morning, and it is approaching 5:30 am at the moment, and I need some sleep. (YAWN) When I go to the dentist (I mean Dr. DEATH), I should ask him if he can help me out. I am hoping he can perform a bit of a quick lobotomy. You see, my brain (in my skull) has been really getting on my nerves as of late. For SOME strange reason, it has seem to have taken SOME slight control of my pepe. (Or as I like to call it, THE EARTH SHAKER). My pepe has always had a mind of his own, however very little the size of his mind might be. But for some time now, and more so as time goes on, my pepe (EARTH SHAKER) has taken orders from not his own very little brain, but instead unfortunately, the brain in my skull. Which I consider, a bulky lump of lard. My pepe is a EARTH SHAKER, and a QUAKE MAKER. At least, that is what I tell myself. In the past, girls have told me that it is a ……….uuuummmmm…….. a…….uuuummmm………humph. Instead of going into dirty, dirty details, let me just go ahead and spare you, and tell you what I have said in response to girls’ past reactions to my pepe.
“IT IS NOT THE SIZE THAT COUNTS, IT’S HOW YOU USE IT!!!!!!!”
I got an idea!! Maybe we can take out a newspaper WANTED ad for the kid’s future godparents! Here is what I am thinking:
*Magical Fairy GOD MOTHER
*Must have extensive experience in raising children. Must not smoke like a freight train. Must not drink like it’s their job. MUST have a magic wand with a star on top of it. MUST wear a tutu with sparkles. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT that the tutu is sparkly, because you can’t be all magical and shit if you are not sparkly (DDDUUUHHH)!!!!! MUST be able to turn mice into horses. MUST be able to turn a pumpkin into a horse-drawn carriage. MUST be able to fix my children an afternoon daily delight of tea and crumpets. -(Whatever the fuck a crumpet is)- MUST be able to, on occasions when my children are in serious trouble, use the magical phrase “BIPPETY BOPPETY BOO” and they will be saved from their devilish, devious, cantankerous trouble they are causing. AGAIN, MUST be able to use the phrase “BIPPETY BOPPETY BOO”, and my children will be rescued!!!!!!
*Magical Fairy GOD FATHER
*Must not smoke like a freight train. Must not drink like it’s their job. Must not be a fucking asshole, dickhead, and all-around shitty human being.
I (We) am (are) looking forward to ALL of your valuable, and not so valuable, feedback, ideas, and comments. I am not going to post for a bit, so you all can give me (us) some sound, and not so sound, advice, comments, and ideas.